My life: A journey through my love life (translated)

I had posted a post in Chinese recently, my apologies for those who didn’t understand a word of it. So I took some time to do a translation of it.

Had some thoughts after reading mclady’s "old lovers". I didn’t have her puppy love experiences, but I did have two ex-lovers.

My first love was my secondary schoolmate. His wits and humour were the things that I admired back then. During the four years that we were together, we had shared good and bad memories. Thinking back now, I still don’t comprehend why our relationship had lasted that long. However, he has taught me many things and after the long four years, I definitely wasn’t the innocent girl that I was when I first knew him. I was sad when I requested for a break up. But he sounded so cool over the phone, as if nothing has ever happened (well, at least that’s what I thought back then).

Thinking back, I guess we were never really in a “love” relationship, it was just a relationship between two very good friends, who cared about each other. Maybe he realised his feelings for me has faded long ago, but unfortunately I wasn’t aware of it. He didn’t raise the subject anyway, probably not to hurt my feelings. Anyway, breaking up is not a fearful thing, and it’s not a pain or torture for me either. How would you taste the bitterness if the cup of tea is tasteless? The only regret about it was I should have realise it ealier.

I don’t know if he will read this blog, but I do want to thank him for being my very good friend in the past, and it was a pleasure to be his friend.

Thanks to my friends, the post break up days were easy for me. I was never alone to brave the sadness and confusion. After the break up, I then had a crush for another guy and of course, I told him how I felt about him. Eventhough the relationship didn’t go any further, I have no regrets. However, we still remain as friends, and meet each other occasionally just like old friends do. I really appreciate that he stays a friend to me till today. And I wish him all the best in his current relationship.

My single life was still happy and carefree as usual.

My second relationship was a mixture of confusion and mistakes. I’m sorry if he has to read this blog. It was never my intention to hurt him. And I just wish to express whatever I felt.

I wasn’t interested in him in anyway, and I did the right thing to decline his advances. But his persistence softened my heard, and I gave in. That was one great mistake that I regret till now, and I hate myself for it.

Of course, we were happy during the beginning of our relationship. But still, behind those happy faces, my hesitations showed. And when I got to know my current boyfriend, I realised I have feelings for him, and as time goes by, my feelings for him grew. I knew he was the one for me, there was none of the hesitations.

Eventhough I should have been happy at that moment upon the realisation, but unfortunately that was not to be. I was sad and confused. I wished I had met the right person at the right time. I wanted to make a decision, but I don’t know how should I decide. I felt helpless and confused again, and of course, this led to our constant disagreeents. The bright side of the disagreements was I discovered more and more of what my heart desired.

I knew I had to decide. I had learnt long ago that, it’s better to endure a temporary setback now, than to face a lingering pain in the future. Believe me, you’ll laugh at all the silliness now when you are silver-haired. All will not matter anymore.

The story after that was plain to see, and I shall not elaborate further. Life has to go on, and there’s nothing more that I can do to lessen his pain. I only wish him all the best and sorry for hurting him badly.

I have no wish to turn back in time, to walk down the memory lane again. Nevertheless, it will stay forever as a black spot in my life. Sometimes I’m filled with anguish, wondering why he stepped into my life? It’s a feeling that never subside. But to be an ingrate would be a sin, I am thankful that he let me go, so that I was free to love again. I don’t wish to be forgiven, and I hope he’ll be a happier person without me.

I’m happy now, and it’s a bliss to love and to be loved. Thank you dear, for your courage to step into my life, and brighten up my life again. You have shown me the courage to love again and have faith in love. I pray that you will remain part of my life for the rest of my days.

And I finally found what my heart desires … You, my dear.
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